Being a pirate in my own life / over thinking
Lately I’ve been dealing with some stuff. That ‘stuff’
is me. I have been dealing with me.
And man, living with me is no easy
thing. Sometimes I feel like my mind is programmed to assume the worst and make
me miserable as much as it pleases to do so. I am a lost ship in a hurricane.
All I see is a dark ocean and many ways to sink.
I am sitting in my chemistry class. Oh, how much I hate that subject. Words can’t even describe how unhappy I am to be stuck in this chair in here. My mind overreacts again. I realise that. No ship is this complex but most importantly complex and complicated for no apparent reason. My reasonable brave captain has gone on break once again and left me to manage those ridiculous waves that are as little as my pinky toe. Still in my head they are as huge as a whole mansion.
Everybody is saying their grade out loud so the teacher can write it down in her stupid little annoyingly blue notebook. I don’t feel fine. I miss my friends who are currently discovering the beauty of a glorious city called New York. I am literally stuck. Not only in this class I couldn’t possibly hate more but also in my mind. My ‘big’ exam is sitting in front of me on an ugly looking desk. I stare at the F. 14 points. F. F. F. F.
Fuck you.
I am sitting in my chemistry class. Oh, how much I hate that subject. Words can’t even describe how unhappy I am to be stuck in this chair in here. My mind overreacts again. I realise that. No ship is this complex but most importantly complex and complicated for no apparent reason. My reasonable brave captain has gone on break once again and left me to manage those ridiculous waves that are as little as my pinky toe. Still in my head they are as huge as a whole mansion.
Everybody is saying their grade out loud so the teacher can write it down in her stupid little annoyingly blue notebook. I don’t feel fine. I miss my friends who are currently discovering the beauty of a glorious city called New York. I am literally stuck. Not only in this class I couldn’t possibly hate more but also in my mind. My ‘big’ exam is sitting in front of me on an ugly looking desk. I stare at the F. 14 points. F. F. F. F.
Fuck you.
My brain focuses on that letter that has
just made me feel worthless once again. I honestly don’t know why I let these
things control my mindset so much. I am not a person who needs to have straight
A’s. Damn I am happy with my D’s from subjects like Math or Chemistry. (sadly
still A’s in the bra thing though). I would like some compass to direct please
but where do I get one of these that applies to my mind?
The teacher – an image of an evil soul or a shark with a mouth full of huge sharp teeth.
‘Michaela!’
‘F.’ I say with a tone indicating I couldn’t care less. I always seem like that, not giving a single fuck. My fellow sailors in the horizon, if only you knew. My mind has focused during this whole time. It was listening to other people’s grades so I could compare their success to my failure. The saying is more than true, doubts kill more dreams than failure ever will. Unnecessary doubts everywhere you look.
‘You are not good enough.’
The teacher has a specific look on her face. She must think I am so stupid. Everybody does right? Wrong, so wrong. There’s no shark and the ocean is very still and calm.
I don’t hate the grade. I hate that I am constantly comparing, comparing myself to everybody else around me. I know it’s not the right thing to do. I know it too damn well.
‘Nobody else is getting a D as their final grade.’
Stop it already.
All of this over thinking, overreacting, over everything. It’s too much. It’s not the chemistry that is my worst enemy, it’s not the teacher, it’s not even the school. I am. I am my biggest enemy and I have always been. So please my dear mind kindly shut the hell up.
I am a pirate in my own life and mind, stealing and robbing the happiness from my own sails. And I have great sailors around me as well. But only the true captain can save their own ship. I am not the kind that goes down with their ship. Not a solution for me. I am a fighter and the first step is to stop believing everything my mind says to me. I am my own anchor.
The teacher – an image of an evil soul or a shark with a mouth full of huge sharp teeth.
‘Michaela!’
‘F.’ I say with a tone indicating I couldn’t care less. I always seem like that, not giving a single fuck. My fellow sailors in the horizon, if only you knew. My mind has focused during this whole time. It was listening to other people’s grades so I could compare their success to my failure. The saying is more than true, doubts kill more dreams than failure ever will. Unnecessary doubts everywhere you look.
‘You are not good enough.’
The teacher has a specific look on her face. She must think I am so stupid. Everybody does right? Wrong, so wrong. There’s no shark and the ocean is very still and calm.
I don’t hate the grade. I hate that I am constantly comparing, comparing myself to everybody else around me. I know it’s not the right thing to do. I know it too damn well.
‘Nobody else is getting a D as their final grade.’
Stop it already.
All of this over thinking, overreacting, over everything. It’s too much. It’s not the chemistry that is my worst enemy, it’s not the teacher, it’s not even the school. I am. I am my biggest enemy and I have always been. So please my dear mind kindly shut the hell up.
I am a pirate in my own life and mind, stealing and robbing the happiness from my own sails. And I have great sailors around me as well. But only the true captain can save their own ship. I am not the kind that goes down with their ship. Not a solution for me. I am a fighter and the first step is to stop believing everything my mind says to me. I am my own anchor.
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